The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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