hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
