you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
this boner is exhausting
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i out mim tonsoeep
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