dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
