Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
