We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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