she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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