I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
