This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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