a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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