There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
