Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
