remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
