My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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