This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Pooping to opera.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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