Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
