two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
