Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
