I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
