And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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