I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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