i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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