I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
