My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
