wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
