The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
