I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
