And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
