Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
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I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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