Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
