At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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