I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize