her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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