guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize