dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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