I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
