90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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