Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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