It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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