me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
