At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
