Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
