My girlfriend figured out who you are.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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