where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
