My underwear smells like fireworks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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