Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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