she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
