I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
