I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
