and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
