Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
